…The phrase every spouse dreads…
Let me tell you a little bit about me. I have always worked really hard and I have always had expensive taste. To me, these things go hand-in-hand. I never wanted anyone to have to “foot the bill” for my shopping habits. I never wanted to feel like I had to justify my purchases, or feel guilty for liking what I like. For me, wanting nice things meant I had to work to get them. In the end, I felt good about what I had knowing that I had earned it. This goes back as far as I can remember.
I attribute my indulgent nature to being a Taurus (I have no control over when my birthday is). My parents are also to blame; the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree after all. In my case, you don’t even have to choose between nature or nurture; either way I’m screwed.
While I inherited my parent’s “champagne taste,” they also bestowed upon me a strong work ethic. They were vocal about their concerns that I would be lazy if they handed me everything, and always made it known that their generosity came with an expiration date (my 18th birthday) and sometimes strings attached. They made me work for everything, even it the task was feeble relative to the reward (I once had to get my dad a glass of milk for a pair of skis. Clearly the principle was more important than the size of the errand). I didn’t mind work. I preferred working, over the feeling that I “owed” someone something in return. Working was easier than having a feeling of debt looming over me.
I remember for my senior prom, I absolutely dreaded the idea of another girl having the same dress as me. My solution? Buying the most expensive dress I could find (it worked BTW). This is what I like to call “Denise logic,” and I certainly didn’t expect my parents to understand my reasoning (even though if anyone would understand it would be them. Remember the apple and the tree thing). So I worked hard to pay for that dress and never even considered asking my parents to help me buy it. This mindset continued to manifest into a another “Denise logic”: the more I work, the more I can buy. So I worked A LOT. Every chance I got, I worked. Having free time made me feel guilty, uncomfortable and unproductive. I have forgotten how to relax, and in my down time, my thoughts are consumed by what I should be doing (to the point of anxiety). Pretty sure this isn’t healthy.
Now here I am, trying to slow down, for the first time in my life. It’s not at all what I imagined when I would joke about wanting a “sugar daddy.” Can I relinquish my financial Independence in exchange for time with my family and a better quality of life? Seems like it should be an easy decision right? Wrong. This is not a new problem. I’m sure every person that has made the decision to stay home with their family has felt all the feels that I’m feeling right now. This won’t put a financial strain in our family, but not only will I have to think twice about buying my next pair of shoes, I may have to ask permission. Something I have never done before. It’s time for me to step back and and let my husband take the lead, celebrate his success, ease his stress and be available to give my family the support it needs. In theory, this seems like it should be simple. Maybe for some people it is, but I will need to be reprogrammed. My life has turned into a cycle of: work, earn, indulge. This has become a vicious cycle and my priorities are all out of whack.
I have been clinging to a job that wasn’t meaningful because I thought that if I let go of it, I would lose some independence and some of my identity. The truth is: I will. But I will gain so much more by investing energy into building up my husband’s career and spending quality time with my family. My “money to buy shoes job” has cost us so much over the years. My husband and I have been “ships passing in the night” with opposite schedules. The schedule I once thought was ideal because my children would always have one parent at home also meant I missed experiencing dinner as a family, being more involved with my community, date nights, holiday parties, sporting events. My kids missed having me home to help with homework, take them to dance, outdoor movie nights, bedtime stories…I could go on forever.
When we were in a time of transition, and husband was just launching his new career, I had to work. I am done missing out when it is no longer necessary. All of this is “much easier said than done,” and a problem I am really blessed to have. I am going to try to embrace being the “realtor’s wife.” Hopefully my shoe collection will continue to grow (if you know of anyone looking for a realtor-send them our way).
realtorswife.com 
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